Thoughts on The First Family, Instagram Voting, and Staying Home Like the Kennedys
Hello Again!
I’m back with a slightly-adapted version of my blog! I’ve been home in Ohio for a little over a week now, and it looks like I’ll be here for a while — at least until NYC gets a bit of its footing back after this COVID-19 fiasco. And while I’ve really enjoyed spending this last week mostly just eating chips, watching ancient episodes of America’s Next Top Model, and occasionally crying, I decided it was probably time to stop letting my brain rot and do something productive.
I say “adapted” version of my blog for two reasons:
Usually my content comes from weird records I bought on e-Bay/Goodwill/that kind of thing. I do not have any of those with me. BUT — I do have 4 milk crates worth of records here at home that I’ve accumulated over the years, many of which are kind of strange. (I will buy anything that says something along the lines of “cast album”). I went through my collection and pulled out the “weirdest” ones I could find. As a fair warning, these are not going to be the ULTIMATE weirdest choices. Many of these shows were on Broadway. I understand that that doesn’t make them THE MOST obscure, but I’m working with what I have. Basically, if I haven’t heard of it, we’re going with “it’s obscure enough for this Quarantine-Blog.”
Usually my posts are really long. Because Quarantine has shot my attention span (as I’m sure it has yours), I’m going to try to make these posts shorter, and therefore, post more often. So we’re maybe going a little bit more for quantity of blog posts instead of quantity of words in each individual post, which should work out for everyone.
Anyway. Now that we’ve got the ~rules~ out of the way, on to today’s content!
The other day, I posted a poll on my Instagram story, asking people to pick between two different “odd” records, and THIS IS WHAT THE PEOPLE VOTED FOR, so THIS IS WHAT WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT. (Also, I will likely continue picking albums this way because I hate making decisions, so if you want to help me pick, please follow me on insta @leah_windahl #shamelessplug).
The record in question is called The First Family, and I picked it out because it fit the weird bill. It’s a comedy album from 1962 that appears to be satirizing the Kennedys, featuring scenes with weird names like “Astronauts” and “Bedtime Story.” The cover features a bunch of people dressed as the famous family, including a grown woman dressed as young Caroline Kennedy, and a live horse. If you flip the record over, the characters are simply listed as “Father, Mother, Daughter” and then a list of a bunch of people who evidently played “Dignitaries and Visitors And Heads of State and Free Loaders and Relatives and More Relatives and More Relatives.”
WELL. I’ll leave the Wikipedia link for you HERE, but apparently just because this one’s been a bit lost to history (maybe not even, maybe it was just lost on me, I don’t know), doesn’t mean it was always obscure. To summarize:
The album features a then-famous JFK impersonator, Vaughn Meader, as the President himself.
Released in 1962, it became an instant success and eventually sold over seven million copies.
And, if that weren’t enough, it won the Grammy for ALBUM OF THE YEAR in 1962.
After the President’s assassination in November of 1963, the album was voluntarily pulled from the market and any unsold copies were destroyed.
On the back of the record, theres a sweet (?) little disclaimer (?) that reads:
“This album is for fun! Things are being suggested and said here about some of the great people of our time, and perhaps the very fact that they are able to laugh with us and enjoy this album is in part what makes them the great people they are.
No one has more respect for the high offices and the people suggested here than do those of us who had a hand in putting this together. This album can be played loudly at any time, night or day, in front of anyone, anywhere people have a right to laugh.
We hope that someday soon everyone, everywhere, will have that right to laugh.”
The point of that is probably to keep them from being sued, and maybe it’s my stir-crazy quarantined brain talking, but I found it kind of moving.
ACT ONE
Scene 1: The Experiment
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m speaking to you from a typical American home in Hyannisport, Massachusetts. Since January of 1960, this family of smiling and happy people have undergone a change. You might say they’ve been engaged in a new and different type of experiment. Sir, as head of this average family, what was this new experience, undergone by you and the members of your household?
JFK: Well, after two years of brushing with Crest toothpaste, our group had 21% fewer cavities brushing with Crest!
And… that’s the whole track. First thing to note — this whole thing is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Mr. Meader gets applause as soon as he begins speaking, and with good reason, as his Kennedy is… really good.
Scene 2: After Dinner Conversations
This scene has JFK conversing with his family as if it were a press conference. He takes questions from Jackie (why didn’t he eat his salad?), baby John (who speaks only gibberish), the House Nurse (which toys are bathtub toys???). At one point it sounds like Meader is playing both JFK and Bobby Kennedy, by speaking to himself. As a side note, Naomi Brossart’s Jackie Kennedy is better than Natalie Portman’s. Not sure which actress that’s more of a comment on.
Scene 3: The Malayan Ambassador
This track is just a bunch of different people relaying the message “The Malayan Ambassador for Dinner!” over and over, until JFK retorts “Tell him it’s tomorrow night!”
Scene 4: Relatively Speaking
This is an approximately 12 word scene. It goes like this:
Jackie: Family, family, family. Jack, there’s just too much family. Can’t we ever get away alone?
JFK: Tomorrow, I-I promise tomorrow we’ll go away together, uh, tomorrow. No more family for a while now, I promise. Now, uh, turn off the light. Goodnight, Jackie.
Jackie: Goodnight, Jack.
JFK: Goodnight Bobby! Goodnight Ethel!
Scene 5: Astronauts
I… did not get this one. On a second listen, I think the joke is that we think we’re hearing a bunch of men being prepped on being astronauts, but actually they’re being prepped to go waterskiing with Jackie. Haha, what?
Scene 6: Motorcade
JFK enters the gas station and asks to fill up all 70 of his motorcade cars. When told the gas station doesn’t accept Green Stamps, JFK says “forget it.” Okay.
Also for obvious reasons, this one feels… like it’s in poor taste. But, of course, it isn’t.
Scene 7: The Party
JFK and Jackie welcome three guests to their party: Pablo Casals, Leonard Bernstein, and Dr. Albert Schweitzer. After they are all introduced, JFK remarks,
“Jackie, why is it always your friends?”
This one is lost on me.
Scene 8: The Tour
Okay, so THIS is a spoof of that actual White House Tour video everyone has seen (if you haven’t, I’ve left it for you at the right), except in this version everything goes wrong. The cameramen knock over a priceless door, and someone throws a football through the window. Who knew slapstick is still funny without a visual element? Also, every single thing in the house is a gift from someone, including bizarre things like the dust in a room, or a bunch of construction workers. JFK then ruins the tour because he is lost and can’t find the bedroom.
SIDE TWO
Scene 1: But Vote!!
The announcer from the top of Side One is back, and he says:
“The following is a Public Service Announcement. Election Day is near. Go to the polls and vote. Vote for the Kennedy of your choice, but Vote!!”
That’s it.
Scene 2: Economy Lunch
This one involves Kennedy deciding where to sit a bunch of world leaders at a luncheon. He apparently makes bad choices, because the audience laughs. I do not know enough about 1960s world history to fully appreciate this one. Then they all argue over what kind of sandwiches they are going to eat, and again, I guess it’s funny, but it’s lost on me. At one point, Kennedy has to ask Khrushchev to stop banging his shoe on the table. Oh, ha-ha.
Scene 3: The Decision
JFK and his staffers, including LBJ, are discussing a Very Important Matter of Business. It is very serious. They say things like “I think that two million is much too much!” and “It’s a dangerous move!” The punch line is that they were all playing Monopoly. “I’ll sell you a boardwalk at Park Place.”
Scene 4: White House Visitor
A young boy comes to ask if Caroline can come out and play. JFK says no, she can’t, she’s in Italy with her mother. To which the boy replies “Oh. Well then, what’s Lyndon doing?” Oh, ha-ha.
Scene 5: Press Conference
JFK answers all of his press conference questions with ~real zingers~, like:
Reporter: Would you like your son to be President?
JFK: Definitely not. I think he should finish school first.
And —
Reporter: What are you going to try to do about Medical Care for the aging?
JFK: Try to stay young.
Which, uh, has not aged well. And, on a lighter note —
Reporter: Now that you’re in office, what do you think the chances are for a Jewish president?
JFK: Well, I think they’re, uh, pretty good. Now let me say I don’t see why a, uh, person of the Jewish faith can’t be President of the United States. I know, uh, as a Catholic I could never vote for him, but other than that…
Scene 6: The Dress
… There’s nothing not to get, about this one it’s just kind of a dud. A fashion designer has designed a dress for Jackie, and named it after her. Jackie loves it, but would like the top button removed. Now the designer has to remove the top button from all of the remaining dresses.
Scene 7: Saturday Night, Sunday Morning
JFK and Jackie can’t decide what to do on a Saturday evening. Should they go to the movies? Should they order a pizza? When a friend they don’t want to hang out with calls, they pretend to be having a lot of fun. Celebrities, they’re just like everyone else!
Scene 8: Auld Lang Syne
Opens with a very off-key JFK singing the title track. Then Jackie takes a verse. Then Caroline. And somehow it’s really funny. I don’t know why, but it is.
Scene 9: Bedtime Story
Caroline begs her father for “her favorite” bedtime story. It turns out to be a story about a guy with “a lot of hair,” I guess this is a thinly veiled story about JFK. JFK leaves and Caroline smartly remarks, “These sessions do him so much good.”
Final Thoughts
The whole album comes in at a breezy 35 minutes. It’s a very easy listen. And you know what? I found it enjoyable. A lot of the humor holds up, I found it funny enough, so I can’t imagine how much funnier it was sixty (?!) years ago. And with my beloved SNL off the air for the foreseeable future, this might be as close as I get to “New Fresh Political Satire” for a while.
Maybe it’s because I’ve convinced you that this album was funny, or maybe it’s because Social Distancing has you so bored you’ll do anything to pass 35 minutes. Regardless of the reasoning, if this somehow inspires you to listen to the whole thing, someone has done us the great honor of putting it on YouTube. Thanks, someone! I’ll leave it over here for you.
